Invisible Family Load
You’re driving to work and remember you need to schedule a dentist appointment for your oldest child. You also decide you should check your family’s passports to make sure they are far from expiring as you have an international trip coming up. On top of that, you are trying to decide if you can figure out dinner with what you have at home or if you should swing by the grocery store on the way home. You sigh and think about how your tween is doing at school - the day after a “horrible” fight with her best friend. Sound familiar? Especially if you are a woman, this might sound familiar to you. You might have seen it called “mental load” or some other variation. Regardless, I’m sure you are immediately reminded of the fact that many women these days are burdened with an invisible burden of to-dos, responsibilities, and feelings that we manage, usually without second thought.
What is Invisible Family Load? It is the unseen weight of mental and emotional work in managing a household and family. It’s the unseen planning, organizing, scheduling and thinking that we all do in order to keep the “train” chugging along. We know when toilet paper needs to go on the grocery list, when the kids are due for their annual physicals, and make sure that all the family members get their mother’s day, father’s day and birthday cards. We make sure to be available as soon as the highly sought out registration for summer camps open in the deep of winter. We are ensuring everyone has their winter gear (that fits) before the first snowfall.
In the study by Julie Wayne & her colleagues that was published in the Journal of Business & Psychology, researchers identified three unique types of this invisible load - all of which women tend to spend more time on than men. The first is Managerial Load - this includes planning, organizing, scheduling, delegating, supervising. This is the most obvious use of my “invisible” time - keeping track of a calendar for a family of 6 that is constantly changing. I don’t remember a day when I didn’t think about our calendar or had to figure out how to squeeze in an appointment. Cognitive Load is next - this involves making decisions, mental to-do lists, and anticipating needs. The what ifs and the maybes. When do we buy our season’s passes for the ski season? Should we go on vacation this year or do a big house renovation? What does our budget look like? Finally there is Emotional Load. This is the one that can result in the majority of the stress and anxiety that we hold onto every day. As a parent, worry is unavoidable. It’s instinct and healthy to some point. But where is the line? If my husband isn’t worried about the extra safety features of the kids’ bikes (that cost more of course) then should I be? How much does sprouted wheat vs. “regular” wheat really matter? As a mom of a new teenager, the worry seems to be increasing at an exponential rate. There are new things to consider - the dynamics of hormonal friends (let’s be real - friendships change in middle school), social media, schoolwork, and their mental health. What is healthy and what needs to be addressed?
While the easy thing to do would be to acknowledge these invisible duties exist and continue about our days, it’s important to understand that this work - it really is work - is on the table for delegation. When it comes to streamlining our calendars, we easily forget these day to day thoughts that bear on our mind. If you are fortunate enough to have someone available and willing to take things off your plate when you need a break, consider these invisible tasks as fair game.
The problems with bearing this invisible family load can be obvious - anxiety, stress, frustration, feeling underappreciated. We are already exhausted and the sneaky additional tasks that are falling on our shoulders just add to that. Some people may feel resentful, having been the assumed bearer of all the things, or the one blamed when things go wrong. As a spouse to one that carries the majority of the invisible load, you may feel left in the dark and that you can sometimes be excluded in decisions that are second nature to your partner. Time management can be even more of a struggle when things to do start coming at you like a fire hose (think May - May is like that for me!).
It turns out there actually are some positives that come from being The One that Remembers all the Things. Some kinds of stress - particularly the kind that challenges us - may improve our work. Feeling challenged and busy can give some people a great sense of purpose and drive to achieve, learn, and grow which results in feeling satisfied and proud. The emotional labor is where the impact is felt the most - loss of sleep, work & time conflicts, and exhaustion are hard on anyone - especially those that feel the weight of the responsibility of running a household.
There are many ways to relinquish the negative impact that invisible family load can have on a family.
Communication. Having a family meeting to discuss the impact this struggle is having on your happiness can be very helpful. Many family members may not even realize the amount of time or thought you are putting into things to keep the family afloat. Bringing these feelings to the surface can bring these tasks to light resulting in more
Delegating. If scheduling routine appointments is something you are ready to pass along to your spouse, have a clear conversation with them about this need and help in passing along the responsibility. This might take time & patience, but it can happen!!
Routines/Checklists. Having a calendar visible to the entire family helps establish routines in the household. A checklist (like my monthly checklist you can get for free here) can help put these tasks on paper where everyone can see and contribute.
Setting Boundaries and Expectations. Practice saying “no” to additional tasks that add to the burden. Set expectations for your family so they are clear where your “job” ends and the responsibility falls on them. I had a great example of this happen today. We were at a soccer game for my oldest son and my youngest sat down next to me upset that his water bottle was empty. I made it clear to him that if he is responsible enough to remember to bring it (he is) that he also needs to take ownership of making sure it’s filled. We might have to have some (many) reminders of this expectation but did I feel bad that his water bottle was empty for the 1 hour we were away from home? Nope.
Other ways we can work on lightening our mental load is to use technology like my favorite Skylight Calendar (use this link for $20 off), task management apps like Asana, or even a shared “notes” list for things that are up in the air. Many professional organizers (like me!) help with time management, creating routines, planning and other household strategies. Sometimes talking with someone outside of the family realm can bring to light ideas that may be helpful.
In the end, it’s up to you (us!) to make the invisible visible and to communicate clearly what is and isn’t working. While it’s easy to assume our family members know how much is racing around our brains every night as we sit down to finally put our feet up, the reality of it is that they don’t. The amount of toilet paper in the cabinet is the very last thing that any of my family members think about…that is until someone is left stranded. Makes you think a little panic on the potty might eventually do you some good, eh?