The Mom Effect

A recurring comment I hear from my clients is “My mom got me that” or “My mother-in;-law got my kids that”. Now before I start to sound like I’m anti-gift or anti-mom, I’m far from that. As a mother/parent/family member of someone you care about, it’s only natural to want to buy them gifts you think they will need and/or love. I thoroughly enjoy giving gifts to my family and making sure they have what they need. It’s when things get carried away that there can be problems.

Have you ever done your holiday shopping only to realize when you are wrapping that you went way overboard? So much so that you put some items aside to gift during the next holiday or birthday? When you see it all in front of you at once, you can easily recognize that it’s…a lot! This is what happens when I’m sitting with clients after we’ve sorted the area we are working on. Not all the time, but many times, we end up with a lot of something (sometimes it’s toiletries, socks, or toys) that has been gifted to them over and over by a single family member. This family member clearly has a very big heart and loves this person a lot. But they don’t see the pile in front of them like we do. The full-sized bottle of body wash in that scent they know you like is great…when there is a need for a new bottle. The really nice thick wool socks are amazing…when you don’t already have 3 unopened packages stuffed in your sock drawer. Sending gifts on auto-ship might end up in taking away the beauty of the thoughtful gift in the first place and result in a pile of items that they can never ever get through even if they tried.

Subscription boxes are a huge category that parents are struggling with maintaining. First of all, they usually come in a really nice box (if you haven’t seen this, you should), second they are full of not only one, but several activities, and third, they are rarely completed. It’s hard to see in the box to know what is left to do. It’s easily forgotten when stacked with boxes from past months, and those really nice boxes are hard to let go of. Yet they keep coming.

So what should we do about this? Let’s welcome the instinct to give and to care for people we love, but also avoid burdening them with things that are accumulating at home. When it comes down to it, communication is key. It’s hard to have a conversation about this when you know the person you are talking to loves you dearly. They have the best of intentions, but you need it to stop.

Let them know they are Appreciated

The first and most important thing that needs to happen is that they need to know that they are appreciated - that you are coming into this conversation with love and respect.

Set Boundaries

Suggest some clear boundaries around gift giving. This doesn’t need to be specifically around holidays, but all year long. Explain to them what is happening at your home and how you are feeling. Some boundaries could include quantity of gifts, type of gifts, source of gifts, etc. Creating a “wish list” on Amazon or something similar could be a great way to communicate ideas that will be useful and enjoyed.

Offer Alternatives

Offer your family member some ideas for ways they can support you and your family without the need to purchase ________. Perhaps they could pay for your child’s ballet classes or the family’s museum membership. The gift of time can be a huge help for people with big or small families. Start a tradition with grandkids of Saturday morning bagels in the park or browsing a bookstore and getting hot chocolate. Have your mom take you out for coffee once a month instead of her buying you socks you don’t need. What a better gift than one that results in quality time together?

Lead by Example

Become a conscious giver - before purchasing a gift for someone (especially one that you’ve given them before), ask them if they are still in need of it, or if they still enjoy it. Physical gifts are so fun to give and I am certainly not discouraging it - it’s the build-up that is where the problem starts. I can assure you that nobody goes into the idea of giving the gift with an intention of imposing a burden on someone. Consider giving experiences if you are struggling to find the perfect gift. Most people would love something like a car wash punch card or a day at the spa. Another way to lead by example is to realize that as much as we love giving gifts, they are not a required way to show someone you love them. Sometimes a handwritten note or a hug is enough. Make your expectations clear - you don’t need bottles of body wash to feel loved. You know they love you and they know you love them.

Stay Firm

Even after having these conversations, you will find yourself in a position where you are struggling with the unnecessary items coming in. Gentle reminders are sometimes needed. As the one receiving the gifts, know that the pleasure for them is in the giving of the gift. If you continue to receive the darn socks even after having these conversations, you have my permission to pass them along to someone that could use them guilt-free. I know for a fact that shelters are always in need of socks!!

The Mom Effect

This is a weird time to address gift giving, I know, but I felt called to write this post after realizing that this is happening not only with clients with kids, but also single men, retired women, etc. It’s happening to everyone and I know for sure that I would much rather know when it’s time to stop giving my nephews Legos and switch over to what comes next. No offense taken.

So what about you? Do you have something accumulating in your home thanks to a well-intentioned loved one? Do you also enjoy giving gifts but want to make sure that the recipient is still needing and loving them? I’d love to hear from you!

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